The Irony Party of Australia's Electrophotelephralagraphanetic Pamphlet
pamphlet archive
ALP
Election Blunder: Yoda passed up for PM
In the wake of the recent Australian federal election post-election analysis has revealed one great and glaring error: things could have been different if only the ALP had elected as its leader the one politician on its benches who to some extent resembles Yoda, the famous Jedi master.
In the wake of the terrible Sumatran tsunami, we're loathe to publish, for the moment, scathing comment even on a sudden and temporary flood of compassion from the West that will likely fade as fast as the images from the TV news. Instead, a children's story.
Labor Party disunity over plans for future decline
As Labor's primary vote around the country continues to fall in the long-term, progress towards a graceful demise has been hindered by the exposure of ugly internal arguments and disunity over the direction and style the party's political decline will take.
Sensible voting ( ballot paper )
In the midst of a frenzy of voting in elections all over what is now described as the 'quasi-free' world, citizens of democratic nations are waking to a new dawn. Except there isn't any dawn.
Rice appointment cruel irony for disenfranchised
In a cruel irony for ‘affirmative action’ and the aspirations for tens of millions of disenfranchised citizens of the United States, Chevron director and former National Security Advisor Condolleeeeeza Rice has been appointed Secretary of State in the wake of the announcement of Colin Powell's intended resignation.
Survey concludes world fine, people happy
A survey conducted by survey conductors, Hun and Backstreet, has found eighty percent of Australians are in full support of global free trade, and advocate a transition to a single global currency by the year 2020.
Senator
exploits pragmatic Magistrate
Following the Federal Government’s decision to abolish ATSIC, Indigenous Affairs Minister Senator Amanda Vanstone has announced details of a new Indigenous advisory council. West Australian Magistrate Sue Gordon is the brave Indigenous figure who has deigned to accept the position of Chair of Senator Vanstone’s National Indigenous Council, despite the opprobrium that is the likely consequence.
Free,
Democratic Martial Law in Iraq
In a bold new step for Iraqi democracy, Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi has declared martial law across the country for the good of all citizens for a period of 60 days. A spokesman said the interim Prime Minister would announce details of the state of emergency in the morning, once he's had time to consider exactly which powers he would prefer.
Australia
prepares for covert US invasion
The Australian Government's defence strategy as it currently stands is superficially uncomplicated. Overtly, of course, the policy is fawning obeisance to the United States. But in the wake of Bush's re-election, there is evidence emerging the Government are already stockpiling weapons in preparation for an attack on the United States, even as they schmooze ambassadors and publicly compliment the bold initiateevs of their US counterparts in ever more flowery prose.
Encouragement
for emerging democracy: observers
International monitors observing the Presidential election in the United States have offered encouragement to the fledgling democracy, despite broad criticism of the country's electoral system, voting procedures used in the ballot, and restricted access to polls.
Australia's largest and ugliest export, Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, has at last left the country permanently after 50 years of reification and homogenisation that has left the media landscape a featureless wasteland as far as the eye can see.
The odious Steve Pratt, currently a Member of the Legislative Assembly of the Australian Capital Territory, is unlikely to feel any responsibility for the abduction of CARE's director in Iraq, Margaret Hassan, despite blurring the lines between humanitarian worker and filthy spy during his time in the Balkans in the 1990s.
Although tens of thousands of Iraqi citizens- thousands of civilians - have been killed in the conflict begun with the American invasion of May 2003, the deaths of 49 trainee policemen in Iraq at the hands of rebel warriors is thought to have been the first 'massacre' in Iraq since the end of Saddam Hussein's tyrannical reign.
Future
vision: IPA policy release ahead of '07
In the recent Australian election the challenging Labor management team fared abysmally despite unleashing a flood of policies in the closing weeks of the campaign. As the next great political force to take on LibLab, the Irony Party has already produced policies on corporate taxes, interest rates, and traffic regulation in good time for the next national poll in 2007. Already the policies have been accused by ALP members of providing a dangerous point of divergence from the ideological stance of the incumbent Government faction. More policies will be forthcoming in coming months as the IPA juggernaut sweeps towards cynical electoral success in Election '07.
Millions of Australians will tomorrow venture out to schools and local halls to commit the farce of voting in a Federal election, wilfully participating in the democratic facade that, along with material trinkets, alleviates in many hearts and minds the growing suspicion they're being farmed.
On May 2nd Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld urged caution, warning that small numbers of Iraqis would continue to resist US intervention: "The president said that we have moved from period of major military conflict to a period of stabilization," the secretary said. "There will be pockets of resistance. There will be people killed."A year later, with President Bush's heady declaration that major combat operations had ended a fondly remembered fiction, the Defence Secretary's remarks, at least, have proven prophetic.
Jakarta
bombing provides campaign gravitas
An explosion outside the Australian Embassy in Jakarta has temporarily halted the Federal Election campaign, with politicians from the major competing party LibLab returning from the hustings.
With the election campaign underway in Australia, the two competing management teams of Australia's monopoly political party LibLab are working hard to present marginally different faces to a bored and irritated public. But how is this all-important perception, the contrived illusion of choice, to be balanced against the need for both Coalition and ALP to retain the confidence of their true masters?
US
military perturbed by media release
The US military has begun a major offensive against Shi'ite followers of cleric Moqtada al Sadr in Najaf and Kut, after a media release from a lieutenant of the occupation-averse leader prompted the temporary suspension of oil exports from southern Iraq.
Music
piracy down: people now burn own cds
Research on music industry sales released in 2003 by US-based Forrester Research indicates global music piracy has fallen to new lows, with a significant proportion of all music now obtained through direct download from the Internet, purchases in countries where Western corporate pirates have less control, or through personal CD copying.
Everything
going swimmingly in Iraq
With Iraqi sovereignty transferred honourably to a sensible Interim Iraqi Government, and Saddam Hussein and eleven lieutenants properly humiliated in an Iraqi court of law, things are going swimmingly in the so-called middle east.
Pacific
assassination strategy
A Wall Street Journal report last week claimed assassins had entered Indonesia through Mindanao in The Philippines, and could be planning attacks on Westerners in the country, similar to recent actions in Saudi Arabia. It is thought the new approach is aimed at encouraging an exodus of Westerners from the region, and undermining corporate interests in Indonesia.
All
we want is your oil and the minds of your children's children
Addressing the nation from an Army War College yesterday, United States President George W Bush moved to adjust falling domestic support, outlining a revised timetable for an overt transfer of power in Iraq. The transfer, planned for the first of July this year, would see an Interim Iraqi Government succeed the Coalition Provisional Authority as the apparent pre-eminent authority in the country.
The Mediawatch programme on ABC Television this week reported media monitoring company Rehame has been successful in a tender bid for a Government-inspired project to monitor political bias on the public broadcaster. Reports commercial media monitoring companies are actively participating in politically-motivated attacks on the national broadcaster raise questions of conflict of interest for organisations reliant upon the output of the public broadcaster.
The Irony Party's transmissions of a satiric rendering of news, current affairs, facts, and truth has recently been complicated by a difficult turn of events in Iraq that leave the grotesque ironies all too glaring and entirely exposed without any assistance from satirists. Therefore we encourage you instead to enjoy this sterling, wholesome tune, downloadable in one easy format.
Two days after a US-based current affairs show screened images of the abuse and humiliation of Iraqi prisoners of war by American soldiers serving in the occupied country, the British paper the Daily Mirror has run a story concerning a British soldier accused of beating and urinating on a prisoner in Basra.
Rhetorical
poverty: a nation in crisis
Political debate in Australia this week sunk to new rhetorical lows, with the governing Coalition taking Opposition Leader Mark Latham to task over evident similarities between a part of a recent policy speech and statements made during a State of the Union address delivered in the mid-1990s by then US president Bill Clinton. (April 23rd, 2004)
Special
report: US brings freedom to Fallujah
US troops surge in to Falluja
Media reports in recent hours on television and online reveal the familiar distant flashes, rumbles, and clouds of smoke along a dark urban skyline that characterise the Westerner's view of the modern United States' war machine in operation.
A Sky News anchor, beamed by satellite from London to report the unfolding devastation to Australians, advised viewers that thousands of US troops are 'punching' into Falluja, and are reportedly a kilometre inside the city limits.
For the most part many of the ironies associated with the ongoing military occupation of Iraq by the United States and a few allies in appears to be mere subtext in the media, and rarely referred to overtly. Of these, among the most excruciating is that the Americans are mounting a seige and artillery operation against local Iraqis who are defending their own city from within, and who are nonetheless labelled 'insurgents'.
Strength to your sword arms, defenders of Fallujah, . *
*disclaimer: the Irony Party does not condone violence against or even the physical inconveniencing of non-combatants, and would prefer where possible that invading armies went home instead of staying on and getting hurt
Bin
Laden claims early victory in US election
With counting continuing in key battleground states in the United States, a Republican victory now looks likely in this month's presidential election, with Florida falling early to incumbent President George Bush. Iowa and Ohio are among undeclared states, although in Ohio Bush is 145,000 votes ahead at the time of writing, with only absentee votes still to be counted.
The early victory, though, is Osama bin Laden's. Several days before the presidential election, the philanthropic Saudi leader of the al Qa'eda movement appeared in a video screened on the al Jazeera network and made available at their site online. (here)(and full English translation of bin Laden's address to America here) In the 18 minute presentation, bin Laden gently chides the American people for following George W Bush and allowing the continuation of the foreign policies that have brought the US so much opprobrium around the world. The emir makes no specific threat against America during his statesmanlike address, but berates the US population for their acceptance of the lies of their leaders and the tragedies their wealth and armies make possible around the world.
In reality, Osama bin Laden and his organisation have wrought great change in the United States in the course of a few years. The fundamentalist Christian conservative element has been brought to the surface, and holds the throne of a budding Empire in the name of a Christian God. The United States is internally divided, impossibly divided along new lines: two populations standing on either side of a vast ideological chasm. Externally the US is increasingly regarded with suspicion and resentment. The President is the subject of international ridicule (see picture below), and the Government has a widespread reputation for ideologically driven slaughter overseas.
Meanwhile, an eight month long search for Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, supported by 30,000 Pakistani troops, has failed to uncover the wily hero of millions. It is now thought bin Laden may be living in a comfortable urban setting in Pakistan, and not cowering in the mountains as suggested by Bush Administration spokespeople.
Bin Laden's public relations expertise must be applauded: he is aware he can allow his fundamentalist adversaries in the White House and the Pentagon, and the moguls in their high towers, to do most of the legwork in promoting American hypocrisy and murderous greed to the world.
Inside the United States, fear and loathing govern now in place of reason and compassion.
The
Heavy Heart of Iyad Allawi
Operating from a carefully contrived platform of strategic weakness, Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi has warned the inhabitants of Fallujah the city will come under further sustained military attack if they do not immediately submit to the democratic rule of the United States military and the democratically appointed Iraqi Government. But some suggest the ongoing bombardment of the city in recent months, which has seen thousands of people die as a result of US war plane strikes, most of those women and children, could substantially reduce the impact of any renewed threats on the defiant Fallujah population.
Allawi appears to regret the prospect of slaughtering more of his own compatriots in the name of US-style freedom at any cost. Even as US ordinance rains down on Fallujah's suburbs, the extraordinary Allawi, who in customary hands-on manner personally executed six prisoners prior to his appointment as Prime Minister, insists 'the Iraqi Government is still holding the olive branch.'
But the bombings and carnage must continue, says the Interim PM, in the name of peace and freedom: "We cannot stand by while killers slaughter innocent Iraqis."
To avert the coming intensified strikes, Allawi says Fallujah's citizens have merely to hand over those who have been fighting against the army occupying Iraq, together with all but the most innocuous of weapons.
No
Australians killed
No Australians have been killed in the bombing of a convoy of Australian Defence Force light armoured vehicles in Baghdad in recent hours. While Iraqi citizens died in the blast, Western soldiers shielded in their cars by some of the finest quality armour known to humankind were safely cocooned from mortal harm. (October 24th 2004)
First
Massacre in Free Iraq
The deaths of 49 trainee policemen in Iraq at the hands of rebel warriors combating the ongoing US military occupation of the country has been described by Western media as a 'massacre.' The prospective police officers reportedly stopped at a false checkpoint and were subsequently lined up and shot in the back of the head.
Although tens of thousands of Iraqis - thousands of civilians - have been killed in the conflict begun with the American invasion of May 2003, the event is thought to have been the first 'massacre' in Iraq since the end of Saddam Hussein's tyrannical reign. US forces nightly bombing of Fallujah and other towns where resistance remains strong have resulted in hundreds of civilian deaths, but no massacres, as reported in the newsfeeds of the West.
One interpretation of today's reports of execution-style killings in Iraq is that the truth as to whether a particular incident in a war-torn country is a 'massacre' or a 'inadvertent accident' depends on the distance of killer from victim at the time.
Some might claim Civilisation is defined by such distinctions, and that we are, after all, as representative of the invading forces, civilised people.
The suggestion that instead these definitions are contingent on the vested interests of the Western media companies reporting on the war is of course too cynical to be countenanced. But the interesting distinction in terminology describing deadly activities in Iraq is part of an unfortunate pattern which has the unintended effect of compromising the meaning of many once useful English words.
Presumably if the Americans herded ten thousand of it's Iraqi political prisoners into a stadium and mowed them down with machine guns we would later the same day bear witness via television screens to reports of another unfortunate and tragic incident in a distant land, where our noble soldiers are waging peace upon a blood-thirsty and ungrateful people.
While Iraqi 'insurgents' remain capable of the most terrible acts of human savagery, for the Coalition forces to commit a 'massacre' is, currently at least, semantically impossible. (October 24th 2004)
The
nimble tongue of Little John Howard
Determined not to repeat an old mistake, Australian Prime Minister John Howard has held a brief bilateral meeting with newly sworn in Indonesian President Susila BambangYudhoyono. Howard travelled to Indonesia yesterday for the purposes of gate-crashing Susila's inauguration, welcome or no. But it was only later, in the privacy of a secluded room, presumably, that Yudhoyono allowed the hem of the presidential sarong to drift upwards for a time as Howard put his tongue to work pleasuring the former General, in an act of atonement for the slights of recent years.
Previously, Howard's stance on Indonesia was focused on the assistance and leadership Australia, as a progressive Western nation, could provide to a neighbour that hopes, someday to become a full member of the brotherhood of Advanced Democracies . But the policy of smiling sweetly at the heathen natives to the north and making condescending, encouraging noises to the effect that they really are becoming awfully civilised has been superseded. In the new political environment, it appears, a veneer of mutual respect is required, coupled with a healthy mutual obeisance to the American overlords.
The Prime Minister and the newly inaugurated Indonesian President reportedly agreed 'terrorism' is the greatest challenge facing the two nations. Many Indonesian and Australian citizens agree, recognising that the urgent abolition of both the Australian and Indonesian State Governments is the only alternative, and must be carried out as soon as is humanely possible if further devastating, brutal terrorist assaults are to be prevented.
Annan's
small smile
Questioned on events leading up to the US-led invasion of Iraq in March 2003, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan has been more than usually frank. For the first time he has stated unequivocably that the brutal military action was not within the bounds of the United Nations Charter, since there was no UN Security Council authorisation.
Having earned this concession from the mild-mannered world leader, the interviewer asked Annan bluntly if, in this case, the war was illegal. In response Annan offered a small smile, and said "If you like, yes."
Annan's smile may partly have been recognition of the interviewer's desparation. But it could also be that questions of global legality amuse the Secretary-General, as they do many others. Because there's nothing legal or illegal in this world but that thinking makes it so.
Was the war illegal? In whose eyes? And in any case, whose interests are served, in the main, by national and international courts? Not, perhaps, those of the six billion people who sit behind Annan and his small smile, and who confirm by their will the legitimacy of his authority.
Wealth
wasted on the old
A survey of lifestyle trends commissioned by the Concerned Youth of Australia has revealed startling new evidence that wealth is completely wasted on older people.
The survey was conducted in the light of evidence older Australians are increasingly asset and investment-rich, relative to and at the expense of their callow compatriots. It was found while many young Australians are actually working long hours for low pay with no investments or any prospect of home-ownership or self-employment, given the kind of wealth enjoyed by more senior generations they would travel, raise children in comfort, indulge in further education, and fund social and cultural products unimaginable a generation ago.
Meanwhile those who do control the wealth of the nation are either sitting on it, buying ugly beachfront investment apartments, or simply and rapidly acquiring more products in a frenzied and repulsive parody of contentment.
Athens'
Olympic success disappoints tragic Australians
Cheesy Australians concerned the 2000 Games might be overshadowed by the success of the Athens Olympics have for years been talking up the Greeks' inability to host the event. But the stunning opening ceremony of the 28th Olympiad, in the country where the ancient tradition began, has disappointed 'Aussies' in relegating the puerile, tacky Sydney 2000 ceremony to the ranks of the sad and unmemorable.
Nevertheless, the inflated Australian team, second largest at the Athens' Games despite the country's small population, is determined to create a spectacle the local media can cling to. Obese Australian spectators will in coming weeks endure endless fanatical nationalism from commentators and TV hosts as athletes are casually beaten time and again by those from nations expending a fraction of the cash and attention on the Games.
LibLab
passes FTA legislation
Enabling legislation concerning the proposed United States-Australia Free Trade Agreement has passed through Australia's Upper House, supported by both wings of the country's massive monopolistic political party LibLab. While amendments proposed by so-called 'Opposition' Leader Mark Latham are being vetted by US negotiators before the FTA can be finalised, disparate interests within LibLab are now struggling to adopt minutely divergent rhetorical positions on this and other issues, in a vain pretence that democratic processes are at work.
Senators from Australia's second and third largest political parties, the Australian Greens and the Democrats, rejected the deal, as did independents.
FTA time capsule - how wrong will these effusive politicians prove to be?
No
Specific Intelligence
A Senate inquiry into the activities of Australia's intelligence services prior to the Kuta Beach nightclub bombing in Bali on October 12 2002 yesterday issued a report stating there was no specific intelligence that could have allowed those agencies or the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade to predict or avert the tragedy. Nobody has claimed such intelligence existed, with criticism of the Government over the issue focused on a DFAT decision to exclude Bali from travel advisories in 2002, despite non-specific evidence of possible terrorist activity on the Indonesian island. And although nobody suggests there was any specific intelligence on Bali before October 2002, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer insists in response to any question on the issue that if such a claim had been made by someone, somewhere, it would have been entirely spurious.
US
marine unbeheaded on TV
A US marine has been unbeheaded by the international media, and discovered instead alive. The news is a disappointment for some hardline neo-conservatives and White House flunkeys who had hoped that the decapitation of a Moslem American soldier would further blur the lines between oppressed and oppressor.
Sony
hanging on by its fingernails
The absurd battle the old recording industry is waging against obsolescence has entered a new phase with figures composed by Nielsen SoundScan indicating the top selling album in the United States this week is a release adorned with brave new anti-copying technologies.
The ironically titled "Contraband" from group Velvet Revolver, is sold clearly labelled as copy-protected, leading to speculation the majority of legitimate copies moved were purchased by adolescent hackers tickled by the prospect of a challenge. (June 18th 2004)
Reagan
dead
Former United States President Ronald Reagan has at last shuffled off the mortal coil at age ninety-three. While Reagan had reportedly been even slower and less complicated in recent years due to bouts with Alzheimer's disease, he can at least congratulate himself, from whatever corner of Hades he's fetched up in, on having lived long enough to see his record as most inane, ill-spoken, and illiterate president thoroughly trounced by the current incumbent.
Leafy
Green
Two New South Wales residents remain in custody tonight after forty-two kilograms of cannabis leaf was discovered in their car by South Australian police. The marijuana seizure is thought to be the largest in South Australia's chequered history in terms of volume, with an estimated street value of eleven dollars and fifty cents.
Tyrannical,
barbaric, murderous US singled out in Amnesty human rights report
Amnesty International has launched its annual report on human rights across the planet, censuring governments and other armed groups for sustained violence that is undermining human rights and promoting mistrust and fear. The international organisation was critical of terrorist actions perpetrated by non-Government organisations such as the nebulous and quasi-mythical al-Qa'eda (the foundation).
But the Amnesty International Report 2004 also focuses on the actions of governments. Spokeswoman Irene Khan said "the principles of international law and the tools or multilateral action which could protect us ... are being undermined, marginalised or destroyed by powerful governments. Governments are losing their moral compass, sacrificing the global values of human rights in a blind pursuit of security. This failure of leadership is a dangerous concession to armed groups."
The Government and military of the United States were singled out by Amnesty as global instruments of particular concern. "The global security agenda promoted by the US Adminisration is bankrupt of vision and bereft of principle. Violating rights at home, turning a blind eye to abuses abroad, and using pre-emptive military force where and when it chooses has damaged justice and freedom, and made the world a more dangerous place." May 17th 2004
Rumsfeld
attempts to retrieve WMD from arse
Facing growing pressure to stand aside from the position as Defence Secretary for the Plan for a US Global Century, or a Global US Century, or a US plan for a Global Century, Donald Rumsfeld today moved to counteract negative publicity over the torture of the Iraqi people by painfully stupid Americans, producing evidence of weapons of mass destruction once belonging to Saddam Hussein from his arse.
The Iraq survey group has since confirmed that a shell apparently containing a quantity of sarin gas has been recovered from the posterior of the defence secretary, to the applause of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox network was struggling to present a fair and balanced portrayal of the noble American soldiery abroad, in the abuse of an Iraqi prison population by mid-western thugs and GIs, ironically all purportedly necessary in the name of intelligence.(May 17th 2004)
Oceania has always been at war with the terrorists
Alexander Downer was up and about early this morning indulging in a little light revisionism before breakfast. Discussing the shootings in Saudi Arabia with Laurie Oakes on Channel Nine, the capable and competent Foreign Minister wasted no opportunity to make reference to the indominable Australian spirit....
"Look, we say that Australians should not visit Saudi Arabia on non-essential business. Because of the risk of terrorism. Our travel warnings are very clear. But on the other hand, you know what Australians are like. They - as they were saying at the time of Gallipoli, well, they're not going to be pushed around by terrorists and told what to do by terrorists." (May 2nd 2004)
Oceania has always been at war with the terrorists....
Coalition
Unravelling
Concerns there are cracks appearing in the Coalition of the Willing, a gaggle of some 34 nations wheedled and coerced into assisting the United States in its occupation of Iraq, have been confirmed by a denial from Australian Prime Minister John Howard.
Speaking at a doorstop conference in Canberra, Mr Howard put hope into the heart of Iraqi citizens and their sympathisers when he denied categorically that the alliance of occupying nations was unravelling, and confirmed Australian troops will remain in Iraq for an indefinite period.
Announcements of the impending withdrawal of troops sent to Iraq from Spain, Honduras, and the Dominican Republic have been welcomed by those opposed to the Occupation, and have roused senior US military personnel to comment on the importance of retaining the Australian contingent. There are also unconfirmed reports that Thailand and Poland are considering removing their troops from the increasingly uncontrolled Iraqi theatre. But the Prime Minister's declaration today is the first real indication that the absurd, soft little men again making war on a billion people long oppressed by the might of Western empires, on the ancient civilisations of Islam, have over-reached themselves, and now feel themselves in danger. (April 21st 2004)
Honduras
withdraws troops from Iraq 20/4/04
Following the newly elected Spanish President's decision to withdraw troops from Iraq, the President of Honduras Ricardo Maduro today said that country's contingent of 370 defence force personnel would be withdrawn "in the shortest possible time and under safe conditions for our troops". Honduras Defence Force personnel had been been operating under the auspices of the Spanish occupation force with other Spanish-speaking nations.
The withdrawal is significant because Maduro heads a Government closely allied with the United States, notable for its recent support of a UN resolution condemning human rights abuses in Cuba. Troops from Honduras have been engaged in mine clearing and first aid work in Occupied Iraq.
A spokesman for the President of Ecuador said the country's three hundred troops involved in the US-led occupation will remain in Iraq until August. A contingent of Nicaraguan troops which returned home from Iraq earlier this year has not been replaced, reportedly due to a lack of funds.
Jean Luis Rodriguez Zapatero last week asked his Defence Minister to arrange for the rapid withdrawal of Spanish troops currently assisting the United States in the controversial occupation.
Spain
withdraws troops from Iraq 19/4/04
Spanish Prime Minister Jean Luis Rodriguez Zapatero has asked his Defence Minister to arrange for the rapid withdrawal of Spanish troops currently assisting the United States in the occupation of Iraq.
Spain's central role in the invasion of Iraq began with its neoliberal former Government's support for the infamous Resolution 1441. While no troops were committed during the invasion phase in the first half of 2003, since this time several hundred Spanish defence personnel have been working in the new US satrapy.
Prime Minister John Howard is irritated by Zapatero's decision. He seems to believe that withdrawing military forces from an occupied foreign country is not a good step towards addressing the grievances that lie at the heart of conflict between nations. In fact, he suggests, it only increases animosities between the people of those countries, and promotes further bloodshed and violence. While this appears counter-intuitive, we have to assume that John Howard, who has at his fingertips the expert intelligence of Australia's superbly astute secret security agencies, knows something we don't.
The Spanish withdrawal has been triggered in part by the new Government's dissatisfaction with a proposed United Nations resolution that leaves Iraq under the control of the United States into the future, rather than making the symbolically important but humiliating shift to a UN mandate for Iraqi self-determination.
Indigenous
Australians to abolish Federal Government
Yesterday's surprise announcement from prominent Indigenous Australian elders that the Federal Government will be abolished early next month has met with shock and surprise in some quarters. Although the announcement has been the subject of both criticism and passionate public debate, few are arguing that the decision should be reversed.
Speaking at a media conference in Ngunnawal country, the elders said that although the 103-year trial of a Western-style State on the Australian continent had proved an interesting experiment, there were clear indications the democratic constitutional monarchy was an irredeemable failure.
While there are no plans to establish a new body to replace the Federal Government of Australia, prominent non-Indigenous advisors will be appointed according to merit to contribute to future community decision-making processes. (April 16th 2004)
Conservation
unsustainable
Seal clubbers, slave traders, whalers, and dealers in heroin and cigarets have joined in calling for the preservation of their employment into the future, after Federal Opposition Leader Mark Latham promised Tasmanian loggers they would not lose jobs felling old-growth forests in the State.
Touring the Styx forest in Tasmania, a site of controversy between green groups and logging interests, Latham was urged to consider the extraordinary natural beauty of the region. But workers accustomed to earning a crust taking chainsaws to Tasmania's centuries-old giant trees have called on the Labor Leader to promise jobs will not be lost in the industry.
Just because today's society abhors whaling, the international trade in human beings, and felling ancient forests, say the workers, doesn't mean they should be out of pocket in the short-term.
Madrid
Al Qa'eda has claimed responsibility for last week's brutal bombings in Madrid in which more than 200 people died. The terrorist attack on May 11 took place 911 days after the September 11 incident in the United States, and several days before a general election in Spain.
The deadly bombings have proved a catalyst for regime change in the country. The success of the Spanish socialist party has been attributed in part to public disaffection over the nation's involvement in the occupation of Iraq.
In the wake of reports Islamic terrorists may have been involved in last week's bombings in Madrid, Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has suggested that involvement in the US-led invasion and occupation of Iraq may have heightened the risk of terrorist attack for citizens of those countries.
Of course, it's errant nonsense. Obviously the man's lost his marbles. He's clearly succumbed to the pressures of an onerous office, and is lapsing into a world of phantasy and delusion, no longer capable of excluding patently absurd propositions from his reasoning or even ruling out the simply fatuous.
After he made the preposterous statements yesterday, Commissioner Keelty was reportedly lambasted and horse-whipped by a Prime Ministerial tool from the Department of PM and Cabinet, but to little avail. The Prime Minister emerged from his burrow and made a sage statement, demonstrating that in fact neither Australia or Spain are at increased risk of attack from al Qa'eda or other Islamic groups as a result of their involvement in wars in the Middle East or elsewhere, further assuring the Australian people that no nation in history had ever been at increased risk of attack as a result of military action taken overseas, and that the entire subject was just too silly to be discussed.
Short
shrift
Former British Cabinet minister Clare Short has put the cat among the pigeons in England, making a neatly timed statement yesterday to the effect that during her time in Government she witnessed transcripts of bugged conversations in which United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan took part. tThe allegations British intelligence services were involved in illegal bugging operations at the United Nations building surrounded by New York have been widely condemned, if not actually refuted.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair described the statement as 'irresponsible', while Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer said Clare Short's comments were 'stupid' and 'irresponsible'. Notably, neither condemned the act of bugging the United Nations, or the head of the global representative body, Kofi Annan.
Singaporeans
to enjoy cunnilingus & fellatio
The Singaporean Government has announced new legislation which will make oral sex legal for consenting adults of disparate gender, a move which has met with popular support and opprobrium from critics.
While many citizens are looking forward to trialing the previously forbidden pleasure, others believe the indulgence could reduce the city-state's impressive productivity, and see public places crowded with fellating couples on weekends. Concerns over how to properly regulate the entertainment will be considered by the Government in coming weeks.
The legislative change has confounded unmarried Catholic Singaporeans, after the Pope recently called for a dearth of all sexual activity, oral or otherwise, except between married couples and among priests.
US
to import bananas to Australia from Philippines
Australian banana growers are needlessly concerned after the Federal Government received a report approving the importation of bananas from the Philippines to Australia. Agriculture Minister Warren Truss has announced a call for public comment on the banana import report, but suggested a decision based more on science than politics would confirm the change.
While farmer fear diseases found in overseas crops could spread to Australia, the report's authors, an expert panel convened by Biosecurity Australia, decided the likelihood a range of pests might find their way onto the Australian mainland was surmountable.
And concerns poor working conditions on plantations in south east Asia will allow importers to undercut Australian prices are ridiculous. After all, these aren't Filipino companies we're talking about. These new importers are trusted American companies, famous brands, global primary produce corporations such as Chiquita and Dole, long-term suppliers into the substantial Japanese market, together producing nine per cent of the world's bananas in the Philippines.
Despite reports strikes on Chiquita's plantations on islands of the Philippines, we can rest assured these enormous and reputable organisations will take care of local banana producers as they build a strong, mutually beneficial relationship with Australian consumers, retailers and growers alike. After all, it's the same companies who are to begin importing apples from New Zealand, after another expert panel (or possibly the same one) approved the move last week.
Wait:
Pope improves world immeasurably with a few words of simple advice
Hundreds of millions of teens around the world are today revising their sexual mores after Pope John Paul II advised that they refrain from sexual encounters early in a relationship, instead remaining chaste until marriage. The Pope said he was aware of a dangerous new cultural phenomenon of premature carnality, which he has now revealed is the cause of many of the world's ills.
While some teens are expected to maintain a sort of adolescent rebellion against the Arch-Dictate's edict for a short time, it is anticipated the reiterated code will soon lead to a new era of stability and high moral conduct, with young people remaining deeply in love and eternally true to one another into old age, as was almost always the case in days gone by. The Pope, who has not been married himself despite his long life and enduring rugged good looks, is well-placed to deliver such advice for reasons which sometimes appear unfathomable to ordinary mortals who do not have the ever-present ear and ongoing counsel of the Almighty.
US-
Australia FTA talks concluded
Australians feeling good today may be experiencing the first tinglings of the beneficient effects of the Free Trade Agreement now supported by Australian and United States governments. Prime Minister John Howard last night spoke with US President George Bush junior via telephone, and then met with advisers and industry representatives.
This morning he emerged beady-eyed and smirky from a night of blissful dreams about the Leader of the Free World, squawking about the New Deal, the FTA, the Economy, and Australia's bright new future tucked deep into the bosom of the great Empire across the sea.
Local manufacturers will purportedly benefit from tariff-free access to massive US markets. Primary producers particularly will quickly move to increase exports to North America. But the 'Free Trade Agreement' includes provisions that suggest some people are more free than others. Australian beef producers are obliged to wait eighteen years before US industry subsidies are fully removed. And Bush has told Mr Howard sugar is to be excluded from the all-encompassing Free Trade deal, leaving Australian cane growers free to pursue another line of business.
Cosmographers
assert universe Euclidean
New evidence concering the weight of the universe has prompted claims from prominent and/or/not eminent scientists and galaxians that the cosmos is after all Euclidean, at least locally.
The popular view that the future of the universe is a continually accelerating expansion outwards from a central starting point, rather than a 'big crunch', is purportedly supported by new evidence of the so-called 'dark force', which together with 'dark matter' constitutes about three quarters of the mass of the universe.
Calculations based on the total mass of everything predict that the trillions of solar masses of stuff in the universe will fly farther and farther apart at an ever-increasing rate, and not reach some critical point at which the outward expansion is halted.
The hypothesis appears to support the theory Einstein described as his biggest mistake, "the cosmological constant." But the perpetual expansion theory is apparently consistent with the ancient Euclidean geometries, and therefore does not require of physicists the mental perambulations resulting from the invocation of curvaceous twentieth century alternaities.
PM
perturbed by much larger Latham
Australian Prime Minister John Howard actually appeared rattled after Opposition Leader Mark Latham's competent oration at the ALP national conference in Darling Harbour at the weekend. He was unusually vitriolic and animated as he condemned the Opposition leader's broad policy statements. They failed, he suggested, to properly address the policy of Economy. Latham was, according to Howard, "Sloppy. Sloppy." (delivered not without a detectable aggrieved squeak that has delighted millions around the country.)
Howard
and Blair clear on WMDs
Prime Minister John Howard has called for an apology from those who accused him of playing fast and loose with the truth prior to the glorious and triumphant war in Iraq. Following the release of the compliant Lord Hutton's report on the death of a British intelligence officer, which cleared British Prime Minister Tony Blair of falsehood concerning Iraq's weapons capabilities, Australia's PM has puffed himself up to waist height and requested that those who suggested he lied in Parliament and to the Australian people say sorry for besmirching his excellent character.
Lord Hutton, who was replaced by a mechanical CIA simulacra several weeks ago in order to ensure a mellifluous outcome to an inquiry into the suicide of the British public servant, who acted as a whistleblower over intelligence on Iraq prior to that country's invasion, pointed a tame finger squarely at the British corporate public broadcaster the Beeb Beeb Ceeb, while asserting Mr Blair had not "sexed up" intelligence on Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction programme.
Avian
flu could turn out really, really badly
Health experts meeting at a symposium this week on the Avian flu now affecting eight regions of China and positively identified in twelve other Asian countries, have issued a statement suggesting a serious epidemic could turn out to be a real pisser. A plague of the proportions of the bubonic or black plagues, or the Spanish flu of the last century, could kill millions upon millions of people in today's crowded world, many of those in 'developing countries'. Western Governments have issued statements categorically denying they deliberately cultivated the bird flu and released it in the suburban provinces of pseudo-Communist China.
The
only sensible course
Following a suicide bombing on a bus near the Israeli Prime Minister's office that has left ten people dead and many more injured, spokespeople for Ariel Sharon and other luminaries of the enlightened Coalition Government of that country say it is now more important than ever to further the peace process by a sort of compression of the Palestinian people into smaller and smaller spaces, and a program of regulation and intervention designed to restore confidence and enhance wellbeing for all Palestinians.
New plans for the bulldozing of infrastructure are being drawn up, while the awkward business of crossing military checkpoints to visit family or get to work remains a stabilising, if time-consuming, daily ritual for many living in affected regions.
The al-Axa Martyr's Brigade has claimed responsibility for the bombing, and vow to continue their campaign. Meanwhile, the construction of the new comfort fence along the borders of Israel and a future compressed Palestine continues apace, with a lovely peaceful co-existence just around the corner, sponsored by a handy all-purpose Nucular arsenal, if only the armchair critics and tawdry, naïve satirists of the West would stop carping.
Two days after a US-based current affairs show screened images of the abuse and humiliation of Iraqi prisoners of war by American soldiers serving in the occupied country, the British paper the Daily Mirror has run a story concerning a British soldier accused of beating and urinating on a prisoner in Basra.
Rhetorical
poverty: a nation in crisis
Political debate in Australia this week sunk to new rhetorical lows, with the governing Coalition taking Opposition Leader Mark Latham to task over evident similarities between a part of a recent policy speech and statements made during a State of the Union address delivered in the mid-1990s by then US president Bill Clinton. (April 23rd, 2004)
Coalition
Unravelling: Prime Minister
While an increasing number of nations formerly assisting the US in its occupation of Iraq announce the withdrawal of their troops, concerns there are cracks appearing in the Coalition of the Willing have today been confirmed by a denial from Australian Prime Minister John Howard.
The political rhetoric of Western leaders is now proving hopelessly inadequate for the monstrous PR task of disguising a rebel army in Iraq growing increasingly belligerent under the yoke of occupation. The former laughing stock and Iraqi Information Minister Muhammud al Saeed al Saeef was once ridiculed the world over for his preposterous assertions that everything was going swimmingly for Saddam and the Fedayeen even as American tanks rolled into Baghdad. With the same tanks now visible burning on street corners behind nervous Western reporters al Saeed has become a sought after consultant in Washington, Westminster, Rome, and Canberra.
Reports from Iraq suggest that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find someone who'll open admit they are now or have ever been an active and willing participant in Saddam Hussein's glorious pre-2004 Iraqi Government. But according to the pronouncements of Western leaders these freedom-hating denizens of evil are hiding under every stone, ready to pounce as soon as the noble soldiers of the Coalition turn their broad backs.
US
to slaughter Iraqi men,women,children until free
In the wake of widespread uprisings against Coalition forces in Iraq, US ambassador to Iraq, Paul Bremer, has spoken of the Americans' 'unshakeable resolve', intimating that the people of Iraq will be subject to full US-style liberation at any cost.
After an Israeli missile attack today killed six people, including the spiritual leader of Hamas, Shaikh Achmen Yassin, a spokesmen for the militant Palestinian organisation said Israel had 'opened the gates to Hell' by making a martyr of the cleric. An 'earthquake of revenge' has been promised in the wake of the murder.
Treasury parliamentary secretary Ross Cameron this week responded quickly to Opposition Leader Mark Latham's promise that under a Labor Government Australian troops in Iraq would be home before Christmas, beginning a slew of criticism that serves as an indication Australia's role in Iraq, the so-called war on terrorism, and the US-Australian alliance are central to both parties' election designs.
In the wake of reports Islamic terrorists may have been involved in last week's bombings in Madrid, Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has suggested that Spain's involvement in the US-led occupation of Iraq may have heightened the risk of terrorist attack for citizens of that country. Of course, it's errant nonsense.
Al Qa'eda has claimed responsibility for last week's brutal bombings in Madrid in which more than 200 people died. The terrorist attack on May 11 took place 911 days after the September 11 incident in the United States, and several days before a general election in Spain.
Howard
determined to break glass floor
Prime Minister John Howard has announced a Coalition Government scheme to encourage more men to take up teaching positions in the nation's public schools, in response to concerns male students are suffering from a lack of appropriate role models. The new plan will see anti-sex-discrimination legislation altered to allow schools to offer scholarships to prospective male teachers as they begin tertiary training.
Gilt-edged former DFAT head and Australian ambassador to Indonesia, Philip Flood, has been appointed as chair of a new inquiry into Australia's intelligence services. The Government suggests Flood is ideal as a man previously given postings by both Labor and Coalition governments. But criticism of the inquiry is already audible, with the terms of reference seen as protective of senior ministers, and Flood as a handy stooge who can be relied upon to pour cold water on a hot issue.
Howard
unveils aged labour programme
The Prime Minister and Treasurer have announced Australia's elderly would be encouraged to be more productive under a new Federal Government programme based on the familiar Howard/Costello blend of carrot and stick.
Manus
Island Detainee may have superpowers
The only man detained at a $4 million-a-year detention centre on Manus Island in Papua Niugini is thought to have super-powers or special psionic talents necessitating his isolation in a facility with 40 full-time staff.
Irony Party celebration of the 150th anniversary of Eureka begins with rabble-rousing poetry from Henry Lawson -,& the good words of Rafaello Carboni, who was involved, and Mark Twain, who visited old Balla'arat.
Syntactical
reform at the US Reserve
The US Reserve Bank has dropped a key phrase from its monthly statement on monetary policy, suggesting interest rates in the US could remain low "for a considerable period." - Sensible economic analysis driven by the Irony Party's new pro-Enlightenment, neo-marxist rational-anarchic modernist traditionalist perspective.
US
Middle East Tour: Syrian dates released
With the 135,000-man US kriegsmaschine in Iraq now at a loose end since the cessation of the blow-it-all-to-hell phase of the Iraqi invasion, it's rumoured White House and Defence Department goons are getting out the Middle East maps and again looking for new horizons.
2004
- International Year of Cheesy PR
As tired, sad, bad slaughter-in-my-name 2003 fades into history it's only natural to speculate on the future, and more specifically, on the messages the sponsors of Postequity have prepared for the upcoming twelvemonth. We're already unsure on the second day of the new year whether 2003 was the International Year of Oceans, Rivers, Elephants, Sycophants, Fools or Horses. It wasn't the International Year of Dignity for the Peoples of the Middle East or the International Year of the Capable Statesman. It probably wasn't the International Year for the Welfare of the People of Iraq. Or the people of Iran. Or Uganda. Zimbabwe. Aceh. West Papua. The country formerly known as Palestine. The good folks resident at Guantanamo Bay.
It may have been the International year of the Refugee, with overtones of the sort of bleak irony becoming popular among the glitterati in the top echelons of the public relations universe. But we at the Irony Party no longer recall.
2004 could be the International Year of What the Fuck are we Becoming? International year of the Corporate Lackey, International Year of the Next Sorry Excuse for a Bloody War … but these are all single issue slogans, that don't really get to the heart of what passes for a zeitgeist in this motley era - or the vestigial zeitgeist that malingerers decades after reality, culture, and society themselves have disappeared up their own arses in a frenzy of reflection, recess, and depreciation.
We could have the International Year of Progress through Dehumanisation. We could have the International Year of The Great Fuck It, but that would be too much to hope for. No, instead, we suggest a celebration of the fatuous inanimates who plague the media with these empty slogans: 2004 is almost certain to be the International Year of Fabulous PR.
